


That “someone” out there is...me?

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Gay, Harry Potter - Freeform, Hogwarts, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Fifth Year, Nickname AU, Remus is gay, Sirius is Gay, Sirius/Remus - Freeform, Soulmate AU, Writing AU, lgbtq+, they’re gay for each other, wolfstar, wolfstar angst, wolfstar fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:28:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22875550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Sirius wanted to scream. “I’m not gay, Prongs!”James looked taken back at this comment. He adjusted his glasses before speaking. “I...I never said you were, mate. I...I just...I mean it said ‘Moony’, right? And that’s what you call him.”“Remus can’t be my soulmate…” Sirius said. “I mean...he’s Moony and I’m just...”DISCLAIMER: JK Rowling had once again escaped my evil clutches, so the wizarding world of Harry Potter still belongs to her.
Relationships: James/Lily, Sirius Black/ Remus Lupin, Sirius/Remus
Comments: 7
Kudos: 278





	That “someone” out there is...me?

**Author's Note:**

> Before you read this fic, make sure to check out part one, titled “Someone out there...” :D
> 
> I wanted to give a quick explanation of the soulmate magic in the fic, since it’s a bit confusing. 
> 
> Each person has the nickname their soulmate will call them written somewhere on their body, but it’s rare for their nicknames to be corresponding. For instance, Severus Snape might have the name “Sev” written somewhere on his body indicating that his soulmate is Lily, but Lily would have “Evans” indicating that her soulmate is James. So in this au, I decided that it’s very rare to meet someone that has a corresponding nickname, such as “Moony” and “Padfoot”. 
> 
> Sorry if it’s a bit confusing, but I hope you enjoy nonetheless :)

Sirius clutched his shoulder, nails digging into flesh. He could feel the hot tears streaming down his face, although he refused to acknowledge them. He refused to acknowledge this emotion, whatever it was, weighing down on him like a ton of bricks. 

“Padfoot…” he muttered aloud before dropping to his knees and curling into himself. He clasped a shaking hand over his mouth, muffling the sobs trying to escape from his lips. 

He  _ hated  _ this. He hated this  _ feeling.  _ He wasn’t quite sure what the feeling was. It was like a storm swirling around in his head, clouding his thoughts, pounding against his skull, and ultimately drowning him when it became too much. 

This storm would lead to Sirius making a dramatic excuse to go to the bathroom when he felt it become too much for him. He would instead go to the dormitories, letting his mask fall. 

And he absolutely despised it. 

Sirius hated feeling weak. He hated feeling confused. 

This cycle continued for quite some time. 

But today it had become too much for Sirius to handle.

During a Quidditch match, James had gotten hit in the face by a bludger. He passed out on impact and slipped off his broom. In a panic Sirius rushed toward James on his own broom. He brought the unconscious boy to the ground, just in time to meet Lily Evans on the field. 

She set to work on many healing spells while Remus and Peter went to get Madame Pomfrey. That’s when she froze. It would have been easy to miss, if Sirius hadn’t been watching her so closely. Her hand stopped in the middle of her wand-work, her bottle green gaze focusing on small intricate letters underneath his ear. She quickly snapped herself out of the daze and continued on. 

But Sirius had seen it. Seen her spot the letters spelling out “Potter”. It might have been a vague nickname, but Evans had been the first to call James only by his last name. 

Sirius had run off the pitch as soon as Madame Pomfrey reassured everyone James would be fine. 

He ran, feeling tears already starting to form in the corners of his eyes. He convinced himself it was due to the cold wind whipping against his face. He refused to believe that this had affected him so much. 

Now he laid on the floor in self pity, or whatever one would call this emotion. His eyes shot open as he heard the door creak open. He sat up, wiping the tears away with the sleeve of his quidditch uniform. “Moony?” He croaked out. Remus’s eyes widened at the sight of his friend. 

“Merlin, Sirius are you alright?” 

Sirius tried to play it off. He tried to let a casual smirk play on his lips and utter the same words he had been for weeks. “ _ I’m alright, really, Moony. _ ” He wanted to say. He wanted to say it so bad. He didn’t want to make his friend worry, when he already had too much to deal with.

But the reassurance he wanted so bad didn’t come. Instead he let out another sob, crumpling back into a shivering ball of misery. Remus rushed over, scooping the shivering boy into his arms. 

“Fuck, Sirius,” he muttered under his breath before burying his face in Sirius’s hair. “You can tell me what happened if you want,” Remus’s muffled voice told him. Sirius heard himself let out another sob.

He breathed out before slowly lifting his head. Remus lifted his own head and their eyes met. “Evans saw it.” 

Remus took Sirius's hand that he hadn’t even noticed was trembling. He intertwined their fingers. “Saw what?” He asked carefully. Sirius just pointed to under his ear, where the nickname was on James. Remus nodded in understanding before opening his mouth. “And...that’s a bad thing?” 

Sirius rubbed his eyes with his free hand. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “I just feel so...I don’t know. It makes me feel _something_ when someone meets their soulmate. When someone realizes who their soulmate is. I feel like...why would anyone love me? Why would anyone be soulmates with someone like me?” 

Remus’s gaze softened. Their eyes locked once more, before Sirius’s eyes trailed down. Remus’s free hand was subconsciously tugging at the left sleeve of his jumper. 

Sirius looked back up as the boy in front of him started talking. “Of course you have a soulmate, Sirius. You’re amazing.” The black-haired boy’s eyes widened. 

“You’re just sayi-” 

“No,” Remus said sternly, then his voice softened. “Mates don’t lie to each other. You’ve done so much for me and the lads. Heck, you lot even became animagi for me so I wouldn’t hurt myself anymore. That’s pretty amazing if I do say so myself.” 

Sirius felt a smile playing on his lips. “Moony…” 

Remus grinned at him. A sight Sirius thinks he could stare at forever. “See? You always make me feel better, now I returned the favor.” 

Sirius enveloped Remus into a hug. “Thanks, Moony.” 

“Of course, Pads…” 

Sirius let himself smile wider at the new nickname Remus had started calling him. Remus got to his feet. “I’m in the mood for cocoa. Would you like some?” The grey-eyed boy smiled, giving a nod. Remus turned, trotting off, but not before Sirius could spot a worn beaded bracelet around his left wrist...and black aristocratic handwriting spelling out “ _ Moony”.  _

“What the fuck…” Sirius said aloud, his hand falling limply into his lap. 

* * * 

**(Third Year, Moony’s Birthday)**

Sirius let out a confused chuckle, ignoring the close proximity between him and Remus’s thin body. “You haven’t even opened your gift, Moony.”

“I know…” the smaller boy whispered, pulling away. He then grabbed the last package. It was a small box wrapped in gold and white striped paper. Sirius could feel nervousness building in his chest, watching intently. He heard Moony give a gasp. In his hands was a threaded bracelet with four gemstones woven into it: a red carnelian, a blue sapphire, a blue lapis lazuli, and a black onyx. 

Remus stared at it for several heartbeats. “Sirius this…” he breathed out, studying Sirius intensely. He felt his cheeks heat up under the other boy’s gaze. 

It was a very sentimental gift, one that Sirius had thought of late at night. He had gone to the Divination teacher for help in choosing each of the stones, each one representing one of the marauders. 

“If...you don’t like it…” he started before being tackled with another hug. 

“Thank you, Sirius,” Remus murmured. 

* * * 

**(Back to the present)**

“Are you sure you saw correctly, mate?” James questioned. 

Sirius glared at the spectacled boy, who was currently laying in a bed in the hospital wing.

James lifted his hands defensively. “I was just asking.” 

Sirius huffed. “Of course I saw correctly. It clearly spelled out ‘Moony’.” His glared dropped, picking at the skin around his nails. James smiled encouragingly at his best friend. “It isn’t such a bad thing, right? I mean Remus is great.” 

Sirius wanted to scream. “I’m not  _ gay,  _ Prongs.” 

James looked taken back at this comment. He adjusted his glasses before speaking. “I...I never said you were, mate. I...I just...I mean it said ‘Moony’, right? And that’s what you call him.” 

“Remus  _ can’t  _ be my soulmate…” Sirius said. “I mean...he’s Moony and I’m just...”

“You’re what?” 

“I don’t  _ know,  _ James!” Sirius snapped. He sighed, muttering an apology. “I...I didn’t mean to lash out I just...shit. I  _ don’t _ know. And I hate not knowing. I hate feeling confused and vulnerable.” 

“I get it. I understand that feeling, but you can’t beat yourself up about it. I mean...maybe...maybe you are gay? And maybe Remus  _ is  _ your soulmate.”

Sirius twirled a look of his hair. “I...I don’t know, Prongs. I think I need some time for myself.” 

James nodded. “Okay”

* * * 

Six days. 

It had been six days since Sirius had even acknowledged Remus’s existence. Was he angry at him? And if he was, what the hell did he do? 

Remus wasn’t sure and he wasn’t going to find out. He would much rather hide behind the curtains if his bed instead of approaching the situation head on. 

On the evening of the sixth day, Remus didn’t go to dinner. He instead hugged his pillow tight against his chest and cried. He muffled his cries into his pillow, tightening his grip as a sob wracked his body. 

He hadn’t eaten in days. It couldn’t be healthy, especially for someone his size, but he made no move to get up, deciding to spend the rest of the evening in tears. 

* * * 

Sirius chewed absentmindedly, staring off into space. “Hey. Sirius! Earth to Sirius!” The Gryffindor jumped as Peter’s hand waved in front of his face. 

“Watch it, Pete! Can’t you see I’m eating?” He snapped. He instantly regretted it as Peter’s face fell. “Sorry.”

“You’ve been out of it all day, Pads,” James pointed out from his seat across Sirius. 

“I’ve been fine,” he argued. 

“Oh yeah? Snivellus walked right passed you in the hallway and you didn’t even call him a ‘slimy bastard’ or whatever,” James retorted. Sirius sighed, dropping his fork in his plate. “Have you and Remy had a fight?” 

Sirius arched a brow in confusion. “What? No? What gives you that idea?” 

James froze. “Wait, What?” 

“What in Merlin’s tits are you talking about?” 

James’s sharp glare caused him to shrink back. “You’ve been ignoring Moony for days and you haven’t had a fight?” 

“I haven’t been ignoring him.”

“Yeah? Then why haven’t you noticed he isn’t here. Or why haven’t you noticed he hasn’t been here for the passed three days.” 

“I…” 

“No. You’ve no right to ignore him for no reason.  _ Especially  _ during this time of the month. Oh, of course you don’t know what I’m talking about, do you? You haven’t even noticed that tomorrow is the full moon.”

Sirius flinched. He hadn’t noticed...he had kept Remus locked from his mind ever since the incident six days ago. 

James slammed his fist against the table. “He could  _ die!  _ And it would be your fault!” 

“But...but he’d have us to stop him…” 

James scoffed. “We’re barely able to handle the wolf as it is. If it’s in a foul mood, who knows if we can stop it,” he hissed. 

“I...I,” Sirius could feel the tears dangerously close. 

James grabbed Sirius’s shirt from across the table. “ _ You  _ need to go talk to him.” The grey-eyed Gryffindor nodded mutely, rushing out of the Great Hall.

He arrived at the dorm, hesitating over the doorknob. He breathed out, then opening the door. It was dark and whimpers could be heard from behind Moony’s bed curtains. “Moony,” he called out. The whimpers came to a stop and a small voice spoke. 

“Go away, Sirius.” 

Sirius’s heart sank, but he took several steps forward. “I...I wanted to talk.” 

“About what? Ignoring me for six days? Not much to talk about, is there?” 

“I...I didn’t mean to hurt you.” 

The curtains were suddenly drawn back with a sharp sound, revealing a puffy-eyed Remus. “Didn’t mean to hurt me!?” He cried out with a shrill voice. “Then what the hell were you trying to do!? Make me  _ feel _ better? Give me _space_? Do you understand how you made me feel!? I thought I did something! I thought that I had done something to deserve this! At least that would have been better than being ignored for no reason!!!” 

“Moony-”

“Don’t ‘Moony’ me!” 

“I SAW IT!” Sirius screamed, suddenly panting. 

Remus’s features turned to that of confusion. “Saw...what?” 

“The name. On your forearm.” 

Remus froze, then his whole body started shaking. “Oh.” He tugged at his left sleeve. “Oh. Oh no oh no. You hate me don’t you? You think I’m a freak don’t you?” He then buried his head in his arms.

“Remus, I don’t hate you.” 

“Of course you do. Because you’re not gay and I’m a boy and your supposed. I stole it from you, didn't I? You’re furious that you got a boy. That you got me of all people to be your soulmate.” 

“No, no. Remus stop!” Sirius pleaded. 

“Oh fuck fuck. No one was supposed to find out.  _ You  _ weren’t supposed to find out, because I knew you’d hate me. Shit 

“You kept the bracelet,” he interrupted. The tawny-haired boy stopped his rambling, looking up with owl-like eyes. His hand went to the bracelet around his left wrist. 

“Of...of course.”

“But for two years…?” 

Remus shook his head. “Why does it matter?” 

“You lose  _ everything _ , Moony.” 

“I do not-”

“You lost your wand for a solid two months, Remus. Don’t even try to argue.” 

“This isn’t relevant.”

Sirius looked down. “Why did you keep it?” 

“It...it means a lot to me.  _ You  _ gave it to me.” 

Sirius sighed. “That’s just what I don’t get!” 

“You mean a lot to me, Padfoot,” Remus whispered.

Sirius froze, his arm suddenly went to his shoulder. He gazed wildly at the other boy, his heart rate increasing dramatically. “You called me...” 

Remus’s gaze dropped as he realised what he said. “I made it weird…” he mumbled. “I know you don’t feel the same-”

“You called me Padfoot.” 

Remus looked back up just as his eyes started to form tears. “Yeah. Pads is short for Padfoot,” he sniffled. 

Sirius grabbed the hem of his shirt, frantic to get it off. Remus jumped to his feet, turning on the light switch. “What...what are you doing!?” 

“Gotta get it off,” he hissed, cursing at his shirt. 

Remus’s cheeks turned a brilliant shade of red. “W...why? Sirius, I swear if you’re teasing me right now I’ll...oh…” 

Remus stepped forward, reaching out to touch Sirius’s shoulder. In messy scrawl was the word ‘Padfoot’. 

The two stared at each other, unaware of what to do or say. “I hated it. I hated not understanding my emotions. I hated feeling the way I was feeling...but...but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.” 

Remus nodded. He stepped forward, wrapping his arms around Sirius’s torso. “I realized in Third Year,” he admitted quietly. “I’ve liked you for a while now.” 

The bigger boy breathed deeply against Moony’s hair. He smelled nice...like apples and chocolate and cinnamon. 

As they stood there, Sirius could finally give a name to that unknown emotion he had been feeling for two years. The emotion that was the source of the storm. The source of his troubles, the source of his happiness, the source of that vulnerability, the source of everything.

  
  
  


Love...

**Author's Note:**

> Here’s the long awaited part two!!! I went all out with this one, and tried my best to explain what Sirius was feeling during this time. I think that Sirius would have a hard time understanding his own emotions and putting a name to them, especially with Pureblood etiquette and shit driven into his skull. Remus, I like the think is very in touch with his emotions and was able to realize he was gay at an early age, although the can have a hard time containing his emotions. 
> 
> Anyways I hope you guys enjoyed that and remember that my requests are always open. You can request by commenting here or on my tumblr, where i have a list of ships I enjoy writing for! Stay rad! Love you guys <3


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